Let’s back off Tiger’s wood.

One of my favorite websites (cracked.com) recently ran a hilarious article called “If Tiger Woods’ Apology Was Honest.” Definitely give it a read; it’s hysterical and right on the money, in my opinion. After reading it, I felt oddly inspired to weigh in with a few of my own thoughts on the matter.

I’ve admittedly not followed much about what’s been going on with Tiger Woods, although I’ve gotten the basic gist of the whole situation. He’s had some crazy extramarital affairs, the details seemingly get steamier and steamier and you can’t change the channel without one of these women that he’s been with on T.V. telling their side of the story or demanding an apology. Does that sound about right? Maybe I’ve got it all wrong, I’m not too sure.

But truth be told – I don’t care. And you shouldn’t either. Really, let’s think about this for one second.

My favorite filmmaker of all time is Martin Scorsese (as you will not doubt be able to tell from my recent review of ““Shutter Island”). Now, if you asked me honestly if I gave two shits about whether or not Martin Scorsese cheated on his wife, do you know what my answer would be? Not really. Does he cheat on his taxes; beat his kids; save ten percent on his insurance by switching to Geico? Not really my concern. All I want from Martin Scorsese is to be entertained every time I sit down in a movie theater and watch one of his films. That’s it.

Now, I can’t stand golf. I think it’s pretty boring, if I may be honest (unless it’s Mario Golf on Nintendo 64, which I could actually play for hours on end). But let’s say that I was an avid golf enthusiast – my only concern for Tiger Woods would take place on the links. Did he have a good game? Is he playing to the best of his ability? Do I find his golf pants amusingly stupid? That’s about where it would begin and end.

Of course infidelity is a terrible thing, I’m not trying to say that it isn’t. But that’s not really what this is about. This is about our voyeuristic culture’s obsession with celebrity and wanting to stick our noses into everyone’s business (and naturally, our love, love, love of scandal). People can pretend all they want to be shocked and appalled, but the juicier the particulars get, the more addicted we become to the tabloids. If people were really as offended as they claim to be, they’d change the channel and ignore it. If I stood outside your house all night screaming “FUCK YOU” into your living room, you’d eventually close your blinds or call the cops on me. You wouldn’t stand by the window idly watching me, or invite your friends over to have a coffee table discussion about what I was doing (although, given the example I’ve used here, that would be pretty funny). The reality is that we are the masters of faux indignation. You’re not offended or angry. You’re just bored.

And for all of the people who’s outrage has been over the fact that “Tiger Woods is supposed to be a role model for my kids!” - look, that’s just complete bullshit. The problem I have with that is it sounds like the kind of attitude that comes from people who are too lazy to try and be a role model to their kids themselves and find it easier to sit them in front of a television and let them idolize whatever athlete, musician or movie star is popular at the moment. Now I’m not saying you’re children shouldn’t have pop culture icons that they can look up to in a sense (what would my childhood have been like without Arnold Schwarzenegger?) but if you raise your kids to model themselves after anyone who’s on television, you’re just asking for a world of trouble. I’m not a parent and I can only imagine what a difficult job that is (and my hat is off to all of the hard-working, responsible adults who are out there bringing up good kids), but I can say this - when I do have kids of my own, I will try and lead them by example rather than give examples of people who I think should lead them.

So, in closing I’d just like to say that I’m not defending Tiger Woods’ honor or saying that he was justified in stepping outside his marriage. What I’m saying is that it really shouldn’t matter. It seems like this has been in the news for months now and I’m really hoping it will go away so I’ll stop having to hear pointless heated discussions between people about who’s right, wrong, smart or stupid. Let’s make way for the inevitable new scandal of the week for our peeping-tom culture to cozy up to while we ignore all of the truly important things in life – like whatever stupid fucking outfit Lady Gaga wore to the latest award show!

To quote the great George Carlin, “When you’re born into this world, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.”

Welcome to the freak show, kids. Hope you brought your own popcorn.